Crosswords5 mins ago
The hardest part of making skimmed milk must be throwing the cows across the lake.
I visited my local last night, and ordered a pint. The barman said, "You're a bit of a stranger, you never come in and play darts with your wife anymore." "No", I replied, "Her head has gone blunt!"...
Every time an Indian walks into the chief's teepee he sees that the chief is masturbating. They finally realize this is a serious problem, so they fix him up with a nice woman, and she starts living...
Some friends of mine are organising a combined Chinese New Year and Burns Night celebration supper - they're calling it Chinese Burns Night. I don't really want to go but they're twisting my arm.
I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the...
I opened a chocolate bar and on the inside of the wrapper it said "You're a loser".
I wouldn't have minded, but there was no competition on.
To make things worse, it was a Boost....
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The...
I was thinking of telling a joke about carpentry, but I didn't think it wood work
Would you believe it: Life is sexually transmitted. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection,...
Husband: I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my grandmother.
Wife: Why does it say “Do not resuscitate”...
As a kid, I loved playing with my collection of toy tractors, but as I grew older, I lost interest in them and gave them away.
I suppose you could say I'm an extractor fan....
I saw a man with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes and four leaf clovers.
Talk about pushing your luck....
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back....
I've added two new bird feeders, along with the existing one, due to the high demand during this cold snap.
I now call it the "Birdmuda Triangle"...
Sam & Dave were sitting in a crowded fish restaurant, waiting for their order.
The waitress appears from the kitchen and calls out..."Who's the soul man"
all together now......
I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My girlfriend lives 40 miles away....
I got detained for peeing into my local swimming pool
''But everyone pees in the
pool '' , I protested .
''Not from the 50 feet diving board sir '' said the attendant...
(For full transparency I must declare that this is copied from a listener's input on the Ken Bruce show on Radio 2 yesterday.) I went to see my doctor the other day. "Doctor" I said "I keep mentioning...
I went into a bakers yesterday. "How much for a big doughnut?" I asked.. "A paand" says yer man. "OK so. How much for this cream cake" I asked. "A paand" says he. And so on, and so forth. "OK", says I...
A German guy is at the French border. A French customs officer asks him some questions. "Name?" "Hans Gruber." "Place of Residence?" "Berlin." "Occupation?" "No, I'm just visiting."...
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