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If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck - you're drunk.
Ducks don't talk....
Me: I'd like a very light lunch, what would you suggest?
Waiter: The Chicken strips for £7
Me: Well good for her, but what would you suggest I have for lunch?...
A Psychaitrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children, "You all have obsessions" he observed. The first mother Mary he said " You are obsessed with...
Dad puns.
That's how eye roll....
I've been trying to get an appointment to see my doctor for ages. I finally saw him on Tuesday and showed him the rash on my nuts. He just ignored me and continued pushing his trolley around Tesco.
Someone asked me if I could name three Qatar players....I said Eric Clapton, George Harrison and Jimi Hendrix.
It only takes one therapist to change a light bulb.
But it must want to change....
I've haddock to the gills with fish puns.
People seem to say them just for the halibut...
I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we...
A chap is walking his dog past the vicarage he looks in the window and sees the vicar masturbating , He whips out his cameraphone and takes a picture He later shows the picture to the vicar who is...
The only bad thing about my six figure salary is the decimal point.
Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.
How did Spartacus feel after a lion ate his wife ?.
He was gladiator...
Harley Davidson died and went to heaven where he was boasting to god how he'd created the best motorbike in the world! God disagreed, saying BMW's were a better designed bike! Harley said "What in the...
I tried to play frisbee with my dog.
No good.
I need a flatter dog....
Name somewhere big
'ASDA'...
1st kipper: smoking is bad for your heath, donca know that ?
2nd kipper "it's okay, I have been cured"...
I've been trying to talk to my fish about his feelings, but he's being a little koi.
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