The One Time I Hope Boris Is Telling The...
News4 mins ago
I recently entered a competition to see who has gained most weight and lost most hair.
Obviously it wasn't called that, it was advertised as a school reunion....
I used to live hand to mouth.
Do you know what changed my life?
Cutlery....
The furniture salesman assured me the sofa I was looking at would seat four people without any problems.
Then it occurred to me I don't think I know four people without any problems....
..rooms required?
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I travelled across town to dine at my favourite Italian restaurant, but when I got there, there was a sign on the door saying "closed due to family bereavement"
Apparently the head chef had pasta-way...
Xmas cracker joke - what does Santa bring a farmer? A C………culator...
A Liverpool man walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'. The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got...
My neighbour makes sports equipment in his shed late at night, which is really annoying. He's always making a racket.
I'm being pestered with phone calls and emails from the furniture shop.
All I wanted was a one-night stand....
Do you ever worry about the NHS at all? You should - These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow 1. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 2. Patient has...
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..is a tad high but you love breakfast.
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A hunter went hunting one day in Scotland and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by a game warden who didn't like hunters. The...
A Texan walks into a pub in Scotland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says: "I hear you Scots are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give £500 to anybody in here who can drink 10 shots...
My French pen friend just said "Le Monde".
That means the world to me....
Sadly all too familiar!
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My attempts to combine nitrous oxide with Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.
A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK, made up of Afghans, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians, Bosnians, Turks, Geordies, Brummies, Glaswegians and...
A man staggers into Accident and Emergency with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife," he tells the doctor, "when she...
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction, but I know I can win her back...
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