Mps Have Voted In Favour Of Assisted...
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Four candles please
You mean fork handles?
No four candles - have you seen my electric bill...
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack. 'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for...
My uncle is a lion tamer.
He went bankrupt and they took nearly everything, but at least he has still got his pride....
Last week I was helping my partially deaf nan move home, and I kept on finding wads of money pushed down the backs of chairs and stuffed into rolled up socks. When I asked her why she’d done this she...
I've been seriously thinking of taking up meditation.
Well, I guess it's better than sitting around all day doing nothing....
Chav is doing well on "Who wants to be a Millionaire" He's got £500,000. Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for million quid. "Chav, for £1million, who was the great train robber? Was it: A,...
I recently took my naval exams.
I got 7 C's...
I had a happy childhood, seems like only yesterday my dear papa would put me in old car tires and roll me down hill.
Aye, those were the goodyears....
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.......... Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing. Talking about my "doing...
Three Foxes were all caught by the leg in t farmers snares( sorry about this but they were English, Scotish and Irish). The sound of hounds coming toward them sparks them into action. The English fox...
Say what you like about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
Three men are sitting in room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they run out of gear. One of the men stands up and says, “Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and...
I tried to nick a bag of spaghetti from the supermarket, the other day, but the eagle-eyed woman store detective saw me slip it into my pocket, and when I went to leave, I couldn't get pasta
When is a door not a door?. When it is ajar!....
Paddy wanted to sell his car so his mate told him to wind the mileage back a bit and he would get a better price for his car. He saw him a few days later and asked how he had got on. Paddy said that...
I knew something had gone wrong on The Tube
when I heard the driver on his radio saying,
"Euston, we have a problem"...
While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," he says, "The patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched." The doctor...
If you're the person who stole my Microsoft Office, I can tell you that you are going to pay.
You have my Word....
When I shook the tomato ketchup vigorously in the café, every one got some of it, it looked like a scene of carnage!
With Heinzsight, I should have checked that the lid was on tight...
Christmas morning a boy rides down the road on his brand new bike when a cop on a horse rides up beside him and says "Did Santa bring you that bike?" "yea" the boy replies. "Well maybe next year you...
