Quizzes & Puzzles0 min ago
I’ve got myself a date with a woman who self identifies as a wheelie bin. Trouble is I can’t remember whether I am taking her out Tuesday or Wednesday....
I was in my local fishmongers, buying a few things for tonight's supper, and the f monger said "that'l be 20 pounds Sir". I looked in my wallet, and I only had 15 pounds. He said "that's ok, pay me...
Wullie was reading a classified ad in the local paper where a woman was selling her brand new car. It had only 3,000 miles. "Like new," the ad boasted. "Mint condition. £75.00." He laughed to himself,...
Wife on phone..panting and screaming....where are you?
Me... I'm at the pub
Wife... I think the baby's coming..
Me... He won't get in, he's underage....
Paddy strolls into work and his boss says: "You're over three hours late." "I know I am," replies Paddy. " I came out of my house and the car wouldn't start. So I walked to my friend Murphy's house...
This one's been doing the rounds on the net, but in case you've not encountered it yet :-
Potholes.
In the UK we used to drive on the left of the roads. Now we drive on what's left of the roads....
You can go from fat to fit ---- with one good vowel movement.
AN ADULT FAIRY TALE: Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.No matter what: Metal,Wood, Stone...
We've got a bird of prey that only dances to 80s music at night.......
Our kestrel maneuvers in the dark.......
I had a phone conversation today with a very nice young chap from Pakistan. This is how it went: "Hello sir, how are you today?" "I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the...
If anyone knows a good way to clear blocked ears, give me a shout. ___ Me: Doctor I've hurt my penis in a surfing accident. Doctor: Did you fall off your board? Me: No - I slammed my laptop shut when...
An old lady went into a bar in Ibiza and saw a man with his feet propped upon a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The old woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men with...
The phone rings and the wife answers. A pervert breathing heavily says: "I bet you have a tight *** and no hair."
The wife replies: "Yes I do, he's watching tv.....who shall I say is calling?"...
A man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big passionate kiss, says she’ll see him later...
The funeral of the ma n who invented Tupperware has been postponed.
They're still trying to find the correct lid for his coffin...
ABSOLUTELY FUMING!!! Just been asked by a group of kids outside the co-op if I would get them 20 Richmonds. I agreed and got them a packet, handed them over and you should have seen the grief I got...
I had a beer last night and on the side of the can, it said, “Best drunk in June, 2023”. I want to thank the beer company for this prestigious award. ___ I'm in the semi-finals of the 'World Sideways...
A young bride was scouring the aisles of the supermarket. Up and down each aisle she went, then started over again. The store manager noticed this and went over to her. "Can I help you find something,...
I went out for a Chinese meal last night. Got talking to the waiter. He told me that he lived in Japan during the war and that he was a kamikaze pilot. Hi code name was "Chow Mein." I said, "Correct...
I went to see a old friend who works in a cotton mill. He wasn't there. He had gone for cotton. Went back a week later, same thing. Gone for cotton. A week later told he had died. So went to the...
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