Crosswords0 min ago
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples: 1.FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can...
I just got nine out of ten on my driving test.
The last guy was able to get out of the way....
An exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a...
The boy scouts went camping with the girl guides, the excitement was in tents. ___ I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor but the security guard suspected I wasn't the real...
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant and while they are enjoying their food they discuss how their moonshine business is faring. Suddenly, a women at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins...
Man sues McDonald's for still being depressed after a happy meal.
Sorry, but it's false advertising....
A friend of mine has been suffering from paranoid delusions, and now he thinks he's a chocolate orange.
I'm worried he's going to be sectioned.
Poor Terry....
I took a poll recently, and 100% of people were quite annoyed that their tent had fallen down.
Did you know: Peruvian owls are always hunting in pairs... It's because they're Inca hoots! ___ Nigel, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Nigel...
At the rate we're going, they're going to ban shampoo so bald people don't get offended.
I just had dinner with my family at Texas Roadhouse and ordered the 11oz hand cut sirloin. It tasted fine but I was extremely disappointed to learn that they used a knife. ___ Most people get on a...
A homeowner leans over his fence, holding a football, and shouts to two small boys on the other side of the street, "Is this your ball?" "Did it hit anything, mister?" one of the boys asks. "No." "In...
I read a book about Teflon, but it contained no frictional characters.
I arrived home late last evening after pre Easter night out with group of people that I hardly knew. I felt a bit lonesome and after watching one of those spiritual shows on satelitte I decided to...
At my job interview they wanted to know if I perform under pressure.
I said no but I do a pretty good bohemian rhapsody....
Noticeboard outside the Parish church:
There will be a procession on Sunday afternoon in the grounds of the Church. If it rains in the afternoon the procession will take place in the morning....
I once ran a marathon in Sweden.
I knew I was lost when I crossed the Finnish line....
when my garden gate just fell apart, so I decided to order a new one.
Don't know when it will arrive though, it all hinges on the post....
I got thrown out of the theatre for eating popcorn… Why are surgeons so uptight? ___ Saw Dr Hook in the 70's… Worst prostate exam ever! ___ I bought some expensive laxatives from my pharmacy... They...
A city gent ordered turbot in a top end, high class restaurant in Mayfair. Halfway through the meal, the waiter came over, and asked the gent: "how are you doing with the turbot, sir?" "It's brill,"...
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