News7 mins ago
A man went to his new doctor and said “I really don’t know how to explain my condition, so I’ll just come straight out with it - I’ve got 5 willys!”. Oh my, said the doctor, I’m going to have to...
A guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up , "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He wants to buy a horse". Sure enough the dwarf turns up. Dwarf says "I want to...
Two golfers are about to play the 11th hole on the golf course, when one of the golfers stops as a funeral cortège passes by on a nearby road. The first golfer doffs his cap and bows his head as the...
There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
Les Dawson...
Wife: Oh, come on. Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won't take long. Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards. Wife: I can't sleep without it. Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the...
I was in the chemists and I asked for an astringent, the man behind the counter gave a ball of twine, an umbrella and a bowler hat. "What all this, I exclaimed ?" "Sorry Sir, we're substituting...
Mick Hucknell has been arrested for attempting to have sex with a rabbit
Apparently he was "Holding back the ears" but the
"bunny was too tight to mention"...
"I still enjoy sex at 68. Well I live at number 66 it's no distance."
- Bob Monkhouse...
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with...
I enjoyed my full English breakfast, but there wasn't mushroom on the plate
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once....
Now that we have had the first harbinger of spring, the following have been seen recently on T Shirts: 'I'm not a gyneacologist, but I'll take a look....' 'I hate peolple who take...
David Beckham gets into a taxi at Dublin airport. He sees the driver looking at him for ages in the rear view mirror. Eventually the driver says, "Ok. Give me a clue." Beckham sighs and replies, "I...
Two Scots, Archie and Jock are discussing Jocks wedding. "Ach it's all going well, I've got everything organised, I've even bought a kilt to be married in." Archie says, "That's braw, what's the...
A thief broke into my house last night. He was searching for money, so I got out of bed and searched with him.
This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a Woman in a brand new BMW doing 75Mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner ! I looked away for a...
A man owned a small farm in Shropshire . The Fair Work Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and...
A traveller stops in a Yorkshire pub and notices that all the beams have car keys dangling from them. When asked, the landlord says, "Ah, That's for Seth - he's ah local genius - if tha' sticks car...
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms. One day he had had it. He decided to...
New Alphabet : A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead. Now The Alphabet:...
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