People often ask me whether I enjoy working with seafood. I tell them it is good fun but I am rather accident prawn. I lied to my friends and told them I had created a life-size replica of Jackie Chan...
A man walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor sits him down. “OK what is your problem sir?” “I am half deaf” he replied “That’s ridiculous! You can’t be half deaf!There is no such...
I was having a conversation with the window cleaner today when my partner said, “It is not normal to talk to a bottle of cillit bang.” I am being sued over copyright issues after the naming of my...
BBC News: Internet Explorer users have a lower IQ says a study by Google Chrome. A guy came up to me the other day and said I ought to stop making so many cutlery-based puns. I told him to fork off. I...
I tried to become a professional fisherman but I soon realised I would never be able to survive off my net income. I spent last night in a cell. I dreamt I was a spreadsheet. I got off the phone to my...
This great programme is back, it is on next Sunday at 8pm. Channel four as usual, it seems that it will be their last.
I have really enjoyed all the ones Tim and Pru have done....
I took my partner to a restaurant. We ordered our food and had to wait ages for the order to arrive. Finally a young man arrives and places the order on our table. I said to him “Are you the waiter...
I was fed up of getting leaflets advertising all the local business special offers posted through my door. So I put a ” NO FLYERS” sign up. On my doorstep this morning I found two penguins, three...
After receiving a very persuasive e-mail, I have started on the African Prince diet. I have lost 1,000 pounds already. I was asked to man the phones at work the other day. So I went round and drew a...
I went to a expensive restaurant last night and when I complained about the food the manager said. “Our food has the top Michelin rating.” I replied, “Well that explains why the steak was as...
An X-ray specialist married one of his patients. Everybody wondered what he saw in her. I went on a cookery show yesterday. They said, “You’ve got thirty minutes to rustle something up” So I...
I used to have an unusually strong appreciation for wordplay, but that was once a pun a time. An Indian man has taken to running round my hometown recently, fighting crime and jumping from building to...
I went into B&Q and asked a member of staff, “Where can I find some hammers, nails, a bag of cement, and a trowel?” “They are all under ‘Construction’,” she answered. “Oh, well where...
I am still working in an antique shop. There is nothing new there. I have been out of work for six months. Does anyone know a good locksmith? I was steering my boat the other day with my stomach...
My friend and I were arguing on a sky diving plane the other day, anyway I fell out with him. My friend recently had a nasty accident with a lawnmower. They had to do a com-post mortem. My partner and...
The Irish have just created a new parachute. It opens on impact. I just stole 1p off of a pirate. He became irate. I am worried about my budgie at home, while I have been away he hasn’t tweeted...
I have been studying hieroglyphics for a long time. I have come to the conclusion that it is rather difficult to spell. I have just spent two hours watching a D.V.D. I really need to get a D.V.D...
A little boy walks into his kitchen and says, “Dad, there’s a man knocking on the door with a beard.” His dad replies, “Oh, no wonder I didn’t hear him!” I was told to use as many key...