I have come up with a talent show idea where you have to impersonate one of the Monty Python team. I’m calling it ‘Eric Idol’. My band is after breaking up and it’s all my fault. I stretched...
I tried walking onto an army base. I was stopped by a guard, who was only 5 foot 4 inches. “Sorry,” he said, “you’re not allowed on here.” I thought, “He’s a little territorial.”...
My partner and I had a play fight this morning. He threw hamlet but my Tempest really knocked him for six. My granddad got kicked out of his bowls club He said plates are better. As I left my house...
Archaeologists working on a ancient Saxon dig, have been excited to unearth the body of a man. He is believed to have been murdered in a dispute over the ownership of some dye. It is thought to be the...
I wish I hadn’t arrested a magician last night. The trouble started when I asked him to empty his pockets. Someone has just posted this note through my letter box. E M G N I B B U R I think it’s...
I opened a new shop selling sponge cakes but sadly the business wasn’t doing well. Customers said they could still taste some soap. My school is putting on a play based around Burger King. I’m...
I have had to make a lot of cuts at work. I love being a surgeon. I have been trying to climb the ladder at work for about a year now, maybe I’m just not cut out to be a fire fighter. My partner...
My doorbell rang this morning. I didn’t even know it had a phone. I am on a mission to wipe out all stores from a German multi-national supermarket chain. It will take a long time but I’ll do it...
I am thinking about buying a greyhound, I don’t know what my partner is going to say so I will run it by him first. Every month I give money to William Shatner, William Roach, and William Hague....
I was on my way home from work, when my partner rang me and said. ”On your way home, pick something up for tea.” So, I bought a kettle. I was in a restaurant last night and the waiter asked me to...
I went Salsa dancing last night. Anyone know how to get tomato stains out of a suit? It was lucky that I went to see a fortune teller today. She warned me that somebody was going to swindle me. I was...
I saw a Teletubby on a scooter the other day.
He was shouting out, “All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.”
I think it may have been Edgar Allan Po....
I have just been to a restaurant and I saw a sign on the door saying, ‘Look out for our new menu’. I walked in and it hit me in the face. Some stupid fitness instructor has just told me I’m not...
I have just cooked myself some dried fruit, but I had to hurry. I’ve got a hot date. They got the weather forecast right yesterday. They said there was a patchy rain band coming. I looked out of the...
That settles it, I’m never going back to Yorkshire again.
I went into the local supermarket and asked where I could find towels, and they gave me directions to the bird sanctuary....
My pet mouse only responds when I refer to him as a mous. I don’t tell anyone his real name as he would prefer to remain a non-e mous I walked past a barber’s today who only serves sheep and...
