Who Told Vorderman People Care What She...
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I saw my ex girlfriend on a trampoline. I think she’s on the rebound. ___ My partner thinks I'm insensitive just because when her cat died I went around singing 'You've lost that loving feline' ___ I...
Two statues had been standing in the city square for well over 100 years, one was a male and the other female and they had been facing each other all of that time. One day and Angel came down from...
A man caught a goldfish, "Let me go and I will grant you a wish," said the goldfish. "But I don't need anything. I have a house, a summer house by the sea, cars, a cottage in the mountains, a yacht,...
Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the tiles. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot. Paddy has a...
Boss: Do you believe in life after death? Employee: Certainly not! There's no proof of it. Boss: Well, there is now. After you left early to go to your uncle's funeral, he came here looking for you....
I accidentally put my wallet in the freezer last night. It turned out to be a good thing, though. I really needed some cold, hard cash. ___ I ordered a frankfurter in a Newcastle chip shop, they gave...
Police arrested two kids, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. - I was in Tescos and saw a man and woman wrapped in a barcode....
10 Facts of life: 10- Life is sexually transmitted. 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an...
*An 83-year-old elderly woman, lying on the bed, said to her 87-year-old elderly husband: "Listen.. I just looked out the window and thought the garage light was on. Will you go and turn off the...
My wife says the salads I make tend to be a bit on the “dry” side. It’s definitely something that needs addressing. ___ Almost all garden gnomes have red hats. It's a little-gnome fact. ___ I was...
A Shepard was mortified at the loss of his favourite sheep, that he was planning to exhibit at the county show.
All he could say was "I'll never find another ewe"...
Two guys go into a pub. There is a swing band playing the old song "Yes, we have no bananas". Guy 1: I love this song! Guy 2: Yes. I think it's written by Mozart. Guy 1: Of course it's not. They...
Paddy and Mick owned the pub at the village and after closing time were sitting at the bar, drinking and complaining about how bad business was. It didn't take long for them to both quite tipsy. Mick...
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"...
A lady walks into a Jaguar dealership and browses around. Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an...
A woman goes on holiday to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, 'What is your name?' 'I can't tell you,' the man says. Every night...
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard Paddy, her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.” Paddy lurched into...
Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don’t worry it will take just five minutes. Patient: And how much will it cost? Dentist: It’s £90.00. Patient: £90.00 for just a few minutes work???...
The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man... Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant...
An elephant and a Giraffe go into a pub and starting knocking back the pints. The Giraffe (being a softie) decides to call it a day after 12 pints. "Stay and have another" says the Elephant. So the...
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