You know you're drinking too much coffee when You sleep with your eyes open You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit You grind your coffee beans in your mouth You have to...
An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small town. One day she went to the local grocery store and while she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her clothes off of the line,...
An English professor was reading Canterbury Tales to his class and noticed that one of his students had fallen asleep. The professor was annoyed enough to send the book spinning through the air and...
A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested....
The lonely bachelor wrote to a dating service explaining that he had specific criteria for a potential mate and would not accept anyone who falls below his standards. He went on to explain that the...
Read each sentence in sequence. Please don't skip any steps or the mathematics will be thrown off. Take the following test mentally. Don't write down answers and don't shout them out. 1. Pick a number...
A GLOSSARY OF ENGLISH/GERMAN MOTORING TERMS ACCIDENT - Der bludimessen BONNET - Pullenob und knucklechopper BREATHALYSER - Die puffintem fur pistenarsen CLUTCH - Die kuplink mit sclippen und schaken...
1. No one ever steals your chair. 2. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning. 3. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. 4. People stop stealing your pens after...
A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City. It’s a balmy spring day and he is wearing a kilt. A young woman comes up to him and boldly asks him if anything is worn beneath the kilt. “No...
When Bill Gates was a young lad he had a pet crow. He tried teaching the bird to speak, introducing a new word each day. To his disappointment his black friend would not utter a sound, until finally...
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery. A man's home is his castle, in a manner of speaking. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's...
A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - £100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy £100, the travel agent then whacks...
I saw a female deer in my rear-vision mirror. It was case of hind-sight I took up teaching fencing as I wanted my students to get the point. Eggs make lousy comedians. They always crackup at their own...
A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?" Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good." A little later, he asks,...
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's...
1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes." 2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide." 3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the...
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death. Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Sod that...
2050. Eric is at home with his mum. Eric: Mum, why is there a rectangle in the wall? Mum: That's called the front door darling. You can go through it to the outside. Eric: What's the outside? Mum:...
A little old lady goes up to a Police officer and says, "I am having problems with people indecently propositioning me." "Oh dear! we really need to do something about that! Where did...
One day Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit are walking through the forest when they come across a genie in a bottle. They rub the bottle and the genie appears, and seeing that there are two of them and the genie...
