A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Scotsman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four...
At a nursing home in Nottingham, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one....
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark...
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said....
The 76-year-old woman walked down the hallway of Clearview Addictions Clinic, searching for the right department. She passed signs for the "Heroin Addiction Department (HAD)," the...
Joe was a house keeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss’s wine bottle and replacing it with water. The boss, James, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while. But when this became...
Norman was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So Norman raised his...
Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there...
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35;...
The following quotations are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts by Charles M. Sevilla and are things people actually said in court. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said...
Subject: How do you decide who to marry? (written by kids) 1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep...
1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibres. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh. 2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when...
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what? Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I...
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him he hears: Bump.... Bump... Bump.... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket...
Her diary Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit...
A woman meant to call a record store but dialled the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked. "Well, no," answered...
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and...
It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria" - and singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple...
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best...
Once a year, my village holds a market for the locals to sell their wares. I baked a couple of cakes, 1 was priced at a pound and the other a fiver. A man stopped at my stall and looked at the cakes,...
