Crosswords0 min ago
I have my fathers eyes. I keep them in a jar on my bedside table……. : )...
Yesterday a girl told me I had a face like the back of a boat.
I didn't reply, but I gave her a stern look....
Put the radio on in my car today and sparks came out... This town ain't big enough for the both of us !! ___ Just spent four hours in A & E. I fell off the roof at IKEA and got my legs wedged in the...
The mother in law came round for dinner and asked why the dog was staring at her.
I told her it was because she was using his plate....
Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer...
..ruled the world cats would suffer.
https:/
I farted in the Apple store and the assistant went crazy.
I said it's not my fault you don't have windows....
Anyone ever had this silly experience? “Password is incorrect.” “Password is incorrect.” “Password is incorrect.” *Click forgot password.* *Changes password.* “New password can’t be old password.”...
Man: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet
Man: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush...
How do birds know that scarecrows aren't human?
Because they are not staring at phones....
1. Going to bed early
2. Not leaving my house
3. Not going to a party
My childhood punishments have become my adult goals....
I went shopping today in Asda and i was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad is...
I learned to play the piano by ear. Eventually I found it was easier to use my fingers! ___ I failed to keep up the repayments on my exorcism and so I got re-possessed. ___ Our camper van has a Motown...
I was reading a book about fish.
I only put it down for a minute. Now I can't find my plaice
(Credit to fellow ABer Dustypuss)...
John met Tom on the High Street. "How are you?" asked John, "Got any plans for your holidays?" "Yes", replied Tom, "We're taking the boat to Calais, then driving down to the Med!" "Driving? You do...
There once was an Italian restaurant waiter who liked to sing and dance as he brought customers orders to their tables, "when you're down by the sea and an eel bites your knee, that's a moray" No...
Jimmy and Davie left the pub well under the influence! They made their way to the bus stop and waited.....and waited.....and waited. "Aw", Davie said, "The buses must be finished for the night. What...
I've been hanging out a lot at the gym… The Manager told me I must wear bigger shorts in future! ___ A lorry load of marmite has crashed on the M4 this morning. Police have said to avoid the...
I arranged a date recently, in a playground. Apparently though that wasn’t what she meant by ‘being into swinging’ ___ Although Jesus was known as a Carpenter, he never actually sang on any of their...
A 76-year-old lady is waiting for her husband in wee pub. Suddenly a handsome man enters and sits down a few seats away. The man is so attractive that she just can't take her eyes off him. After a...
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